We find out if Chip gets picked up off the table and finally dipped into Sweet Kickin Salsa.
My name is Chip, and I have been seeking a perfect lover for many years now, and no condiment seems to suit my needs. My past lovers have only left me with a broken heart and a broken corner. I am a bit apprehensive and salty when it comes to finding love, but my popular, handsome friend Hint of Lime has convinced me that everyone has a perfect match and I should put myself out there. Therefore I am chronicling my mission to find love. Hint of Lime has asked me what I am looking for in a mate…I am unsure what exactly I want, but I do know one thing, I have always been attracted to salsas.
How My Attraction to Salsa Began
It all started around 1948 when salsa and I began being sold in the United States. I first saw salsa’s fiery red color, onion, and cilantro and was immediately enamored. My first relationship was with Pace Picante, and we were in the public eye for years.
It really put a strain on us as a couple, PP started to become more popular and lost her taste for life. She sold out to Campbell’s in 1994, and at that point, there was no reason to continue the relationship because she had become a completely different salsa. Pace eventually became so cheap. I mean at times it ”just worked,” but when we were alone, things seemed watered down and lacking. We’d go months without a dip and then things would get crusty. It got so bad, it seemed like there was a barrier between us…my attempts at a “quick dip” were resisted.
I tried to date after PP, but I couldn’t find the right fit. I needed consistency, flavor, a little bit of spice and a little bit of sweetness. Finding this particular salsa is easier said than done.
My Last Relationship
Although my relationship with Pace Picante had its problems, it pales in comparison to my sham of a relationship with pico de gallo. Pico was very real, very raw, and a little chunky-which I like. Her downfall? She lied for months telling me that she was salsa. I began to realize she was lying when I saw her almost exclusively hanging out with burritos and tacos. Now, salsas hang out with burritos and tacos too, but they also are perfectly content being with regular chips like me. We almost never hung out alone, she would always invite Carnitas Burrito over claiming they were ‘just friends’ but I knew that wasn’t the case.
Everything blew up at a Cinco de Mayo party in 2001. A bunch of us were hanging out at the food table. A human comes over grabs one of my buddies and dips him into Pico. The human takes one bite and goes “Ew pico de gallo! I wanted salsa.” My pepper dropped to the bottom of my triangle. I felt physically ill. I should’ve known by her name, but I was in love and…I didn’t see the red flags. Pico and I got into it that night, and it got messy. She threw herself all over my floor, yelling.
Pico: If you weren’t so cheap, we could get a food processor, and I could be the condiment you want me to be!
Me: Why would I need a food processor? I’m a chip!
Pico: I was never good enough for you Chip, just admit it! This is the worse than that day some guy put me on a hotdog!
Me: No Pico, you were good enough for me until you lied about who you were. I was stupid enough to believe you. Please leave and take your bowl with you.
I ended going out that night and making out with Ranch that night, but I knew that couldn’t be. Ranch is fun…but we just aren’t a good match. I rarely see Pico now. Only at the occasional taco night, I did love her, but there was no way I could trust her ever again.
My Current Dating Life
One night, after dating around for a few months, I met Wing Sauce and headed over to a Super Bowl party, I knew everyone would be there-Wing Sauce knows everyone. On the way, I ran into Trader Joe’s and picked up some Pink Himalayan Sea Salt…I was getting desperate to attract a new mate so I sprinkled it in on a little too heavy. Queso and his whole gang came. They brought with them a homemade Ghost Pepper Salsa…pretty damn hot, but out of my league. Poupon was there – acting like a total snob as usual. That’s when I saw Sweet Kickin Salsa for the first time…totally natural, nothing fake, dressed in her Medium outfit looking red, sweet and ready for some dipping.
As of right now, I am single obviously. Hint of Lime and I will hit up the hottest Mexican restaurants and stroll down the salsa aisle at grocery stores looking for potential mates. For him it is easy, he is a well loved chip who is tangy and fun. Everyone is always excited to see hint of lime, but for me (a regular salty tortilla chip) I have to work a harder and find someone with a little something extra. Hint of Lime has suggested I join Crunchr (a swipe left/swipe right dating app for chips and dips) This makes me nervous because I have never tried online dating and am not great at typing, I am a just a regular tortilla chip after all. I might download the app as an experiment just to see what happens, but I am not quite sure yet.